Straight Hard Saturday.

Old Man: "All those soaps. Phenomenal!"

Charing Cross - Orpington train.

Gay: WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MEATBALLS? MEATBALLS ARE ON ME.
Scottish: *To overhearers* Would you like some meatballs?
American: YES A SIX INCH SUB PLEASE.
Gay: You owe me your life.
American: I owe you a six-inch sandwich.
Gay: That is your life.
American: Yeah, in your gay little world.
Gay: I never talk about your sexuality.
American: What's there to talk about? I like it straight and I like it hard.
*everyone looks at them*

SUBWAY at Charing Cross.
OVERHEARD BY SALLY AND ROSE.

Nah blad.

Girl 1: Yeah so i was at this party liek.
Girl 2: Was it the one on friday?
Girl 1: No on tuesday. Anwyays, so this boy came up to me and was leik all ova me, and I got off with him. Then my boyfriend came over and he was like 'I'm gonna batter him'. And he went off, and found the boy, except the boy said 'it wasn't me it was my cousin'. And the cousin got hit.
Girl 2: Nah blad.
Girl 1: Yeah, and then the cousin was like, 'it wasnt me it was him!' and the right boy got hit, but then his girlfriend came over to my boyfriend and hit him.
Girl 2: Man.
Girl 1: Then I got up and hit his girlfriend and she hit me. And thats how I got this black eye.

the 61 bus (Orpington/Bromley)

OVERHEARD BY ALICE.

Teen Pregnancy Sunday

Group of 11-16 yr olds: *playing a hilarious (remotely loud) game*
Drunk: What the fuck is wrong with you people? Why don't you shut the fuck up? You should be out getting pregnant, not fucking playing games!

&

11/12 Year-Old: "Then he was all 'shall we do it?'"
Her Mate: "Yeah."
Her: "...and i was like...no."
Mate: "...mmm"
Her: "...and he was like 'please', so i was like 'okay'."
Mate: "He really loves you though."
Her: "Yeah...I know."

All on the train from Penge to Orpington (or Penge from Orpinton)
OVERHEARD BY ELLIE.

I got mugged for my pizza once...

A really portly (mega-ultra chubby [I mean like FAT]) couple, sitting across from a dude with a couple of pizza boxes. They keep eyeing the boxes and finally...

Fatty 1: "Are those pizzas good?" *rubbing Fatty 2's belly*
Fatty 2: "Like, are they better than pizza hut?"

- 329 bus.
OVERHEARD BY JOHN

Oh, to be young again.

Small Child: Are we going South?
Other Child: Yeah definitely South. Maybe.
Small Child: Good 'cos the Wicked Witch of the North doesn't live there. She lives in the North.
Other Child: Oh.
Small Child: The good witch lives in the South.
Other Child: Which way are we going?
Small Child: Well you're facing backwards, so you're going North.

- A train from London to Kent.

Irritating Father: CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW COMING THROUGH!
Irritating Offspring: *brandishing sword* I WANNA SEAT YARR YARRR.

- London Bridge to Orpington train.

- OVERHEARD BY ROSE AND SALLY.

Daddy's retiring next year, he'll be ancient!

Teenage Girl: Did you know we won't be able to retire until we're 68?
Posh Teenage Friend: No darling, that's just for poor people.

- Waterloo Station.
OVERHEARD BY SALLY.

Pengé baby, Pengé.

Chav 1: So then he stole her scarf and I chased him round Penge and made him give it back.
Chav 2: Penge is well ruff.

- The 208 back from Lewisham.

Ginger Girl: I know people that call it Pengé, to make it sound a bit classier.

- Charing Cross Station.

Submissions

Evening all!

I want to hear the best/funniest/stupidest/most amazing conversations and quotes you've overheard on or waiting for a London transport system. Think of it like a rip-off of 'Overheard in New York'; because that's exactly what it is.

Email your entries, including where you heard them at what kind of person said them to:
overheardonbuses@gmail.com

Let's get this party started.